Monday, August 21, 2006

My Golden Globe fantasy/premonition...

Joaquin Phoenix takes the stage to present the award for Best Performance by an Actress in a Musical or Comedy:

"And the nominees are...
Penelope Cruz for Volver, (applause)
Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls, (LOTS of applause)
Scarlett Johannson for Scoop, (mild applause, yawns)
Beyoncé Knowles for Dreamgirls, (mild applause)
and Meryl Streep, for The Devil Wears Prada."
(LOTS and LOTS of applause)

JP opens the envelope.

JP: "And the winner is... whoop... it's a tie. (gasps) The winners are... Jennifer Hudson (explosion of cheers and applause) ...and Meryl Streep (even bigger explosion of cheers and applause).

JHud and MS take the stage. They hug.

JHud: "OMG! This is my first movie and I'm sharing an award with Meryl Streep, y'all! OMG!" (uproarious laughs from the audience)

MS: "Well, this is very special for me, too, you know, I've never won one of these before... not in THIS category..." (more laughs)

JHud: "Neither have I! OMG!!!" (laughs)

MS: "Yeah, I've sung, I've danced, I've been funny... and they just, you know, they give it to Julia Roberts or somebody... (wicked laughs) You know, Jen, I was rooting for you in American Idol."

JHud: "OMG! Thank you!" (more laughs)

MS: "Really, your 'Circle of Life' was fabulous!" (laughs)

JHud: "Thank you! OMG!!! (JHud breaks down and cries; audience laughs)

MS: "Oh, Jenny... it's OK..." (audience is still laughing)

JHud: "OMG..." (sobs)

MS: "You wanna speak?"

JHud: "No, no, no, you go... I gotta collect myself..." (laughs)

MS: "OK... well... I would like to thank everyone involved in my film. Annie, Emily, Stanley, the whole cast... the lovely crew who worked so hard... my lovely makeup people who made me look so young and sexy (laughs from audience)... except for that one scene (more laughs)... but other than that, I looked fabulous. And even without makeup, I looked fabulous (more laughs). And I have to thank my wonderful husband Don, my rock! Oh, thank god I'm not REALLY like Miranda Priestly... (laughs) ...and of course, my beautiful daughters, from whom I learned everything I know about fashion (laughs), and for whom I curse that horrible industry every day (more laughs). I love you. You give me my strength and my humanity. (awwwwws from audience; daughters look on adoringly)

And I'd like to thank... Jennifer Hudson... for giving me the honor of sharing my first comedy/musical golden globe with her." (awwwwwws)

JHud: "OMG!" (MS leaves the stage) "That was Meryl STREEP, y'all! (laughs) Okay. I need to thank the WHOLE cast of Dreamgirls... Beyoncé, my girl, I love you, I'm sharin' this award wit' you, girl. (B looks on, blankly) Jamie Foxx, my boy, you are SO talented in everything you do, I love you (J looks on, arrogantly). Anika Noni Rose, you're beautiful, you're so great, I'm sharin' this award wit' you too (ANR looks on, gracefully). Eddie Murphy. I still can't believe I made a movie with EDDIE. MURPHY. (EM looks on, grinning) And all the crew... the sound people, the makeup people, the prop people... the editors... that guy who brought me coffee every mornin'... I owe a lotta this thing to you, man (camera tries to find this guy... who is he?). And you know I REALLY gotta thank... Bill Condon. (camera finds BC, who is looking on smugly) I love you, Bill Condon. You did SUCH a GREAT JOB with this movie. Really. You know... well, you're pretty fly for a white guy, Bill, that's all I gotta say. (cut to BC, embarassed)

And last but definitely not least... Jennifer Holliday. GIRL. Thank you so much for originatin' this role... and settin' the bar SO HIGH, girl, you're amazin'. You're a legend. (camera tries to find JHoll... where is she? she here?) And all the other sistahs, yo, Aretha, Whitney, Diana Ross, Tina Turner... you paved the way, sistahs, you PAVED the WAY. I love you. I love you. Man, I love everybody right now, I just shared the stage with Meryl Streep, y'all. Meryl STREEP. (laughs) I love you. Thank you so much."

(JHud leaves the stage)

...and that's it. Sigh. Why can't this happen in real life?


Blogger Kamikaze Camel said...


You should rewatch Crash. That was some shocking racial stereotyping going on there!


1:05 AM  
Blogger adam k. said...

Rewatch Crash!? NO.

Maybe YOU should rewatch that clip of Jen Holliday and the original cast of Dreamgirls on youtube. That sequence balls-out black and proud.
And you know, one could say it'd be more racist for me to expect JHud to speak like a white person.

OK maybe I went a little overboard with the "GIRL"s and the "sistah"s but it's not like that's not how black women usually talk. I was also exaggerating for comedy. But it's all done in good fun anyway. I love Jennifer Hudson. Bring on the funk, yo.

And hey you know no one would be complaining if I viciously stereotyped Beyoncé. Just cause she is ditzier.

You know I often wanna get my freak on and sing sould like a big black woman, but I'd never do it in front of anyone for fear of being called racist (I could do it, too). Damn racism.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Kamikaze Camel said...

I love loud black women (like Lorette Devine).

The token black characters in teen movies are totally hilarious.

1:23 AM  
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7:16 AM  

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